Welcoming Ben Weaver and his guest post. Ben helps men not suck at relationships at BenWeaver.org.
And, helping to solve common relationship problems
My 29th birthday was made of something epic. After training for two years I crossed the finish line of Ironman. I remember even to this day how I felt when I crossed the finish line: incredible. I was on top of the world and nothing could touch me.
But the feeling faded the morning after the race. I laid in bed with an eerie feeling inside of me. “Is this all there is?,” I thought. Shouldn’t I feel more accomplished…more, complete?
The feeling never came. But another feeling quickly did: loneliness. We all know what it feels like but we never want to experience it. Unfortunately, we experience it way more than we would like.
I was 29, successful and all alone. As great as Ironman felt what I quickly realized was isolation and near depression had swept in and taken over my life. But why? Where did it all come from?
Well, somewhere between the day I was born and crossing the finish line of Ironman I started to suck at relationships. And by suck, I mean…suck.
Up to crossing the finish line, relationships were just SOMETHING. I didn’t understand the power of relationships.
Because men are stubborn, an entire year went by before I did anything about my loneliness. On my 30th birthday, I sat on my couch alone in a pile of tears and decided it was time to change.
My journey towards healthy and strong relationships began with me believing and practicing this truth:
Relationships aren’t just something. Relationships are everything.
Relationships aren’t just something you put up with or throw to the side. No, relationships are everything.
After this mind-blowing revelation, there were principles that kept coming up in my life. The more I paid attention to them, the more I practiced them. The more I practiced them, the more traction I gained in building strong and healthy relationships in my life.
Here are the 5 simple but hard-working practices you must put into play in your life if you no longer want to suck at relationships.
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You must decide to work through your past
I’m familiar with what everyone says – “Meh – the past is in the past.” This statement is a lie. It couldn’t be any less accurate. Your past is alive and directly affecting your life as you live it right now.
Throw your age to the side for a moment. Do you remember how formative your teenage years were? If you are like me, you had all sorts of issues that came flooding into your mind that you probably never dealt with.
You have hurt and trauma in your past that is just wading around and stunting your growth in relationships moving forward. It’s time to address the mess.
I have struggled with relationships most of my life. But it wasn’t because I wanted to. It was because I didn’t understand the power of working through my past. Work through it now and your future will thank you.
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You must begin giving and stop taking
“The more I help out, the more successful I become. But I measure success in what it has done for the people around me. That is the real accolade.” – Dr. Adam Grant, Give & Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success
Dr. Grant said it perfectly. And he’s talking about more than money. It’s something much more potent – the power of giving in relationships.
If you are taking more than you are giving in your life right now, then you suck at relationships and it’s time to straighten up. Taking is old news and bad advice. Giving is a part of the new economy in this world and it’s time for you and me to master it.
How do you know if you’re a taker?
If you find people moving in and out of your life often, there’s a good chance you’re a taker. They were tired of you sucking the life out of them and decided to move on.
But you can make the quick switch. How?
You become a giver by giving what you already have.
Every Monday night for the last two years I have gathered with a group of young single guys. What I love about our group is each of us has our own unique insight into life. Each of us has a perspective to give that the others don’t. What are we doing? Giving what we have. Nothing more. Nothing less.
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You must invest more than you consume.
You and I are great consumers. We not only know how to consume but more than any other generation before us, we love to hoard. This is a massive problem.
What was first learning how to consume has now become abuse. This abuse rears its ugly head in our relationships and we have failed to control it. If you want to build strong and healthy relationships, you must begin investing in others rather than consuming them.
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You must engage your life more than you exit it.
When I began my journey of not sucking at relationships I realized very quickly how naive I was to my own life. I was paying very little attention to my struggles and I knew exactly why. I wasn’t engaging my life as I should have been.
You and I are very good at exiting our own lives and stories. We do this through movies, binge-watching TV or by paying attention to the lives of our neighbors more than our own. If you find yourself in this position, you suck at relationships and something needs to change.
You need to turn your life on its head. Begin engaging your own life every. single. day. This isn’t about becoming selfish. It’s about becoming self-aware to yourself and your own issues.
Learning to engage your own day often brings a silence to your soul and you can begin to hear your own struggles, hurts and challenges you are up against. This is where you need to be before you can step into healthy relationships.
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You must discover the power of vulnerability
A couple of years ago I went out on a first date that changed my life forever. I know what you’re thinking – a first date changed your life?! It did.
After the date, the young woman shared with a mutual friend of ours how much I had lacked vulnerability. It crushed me. But it also set me on a path I have never looked back on.
Up to that famous first date, vulnerability was just a hard word to pronounce. Being vulnerable with others is now a concept and purpose I live my life by.
Vulnerability is not easy. I get it because I lived it. But it is the mojo we need to get the life we want.
You weren’t made to suck at relationships. You were made for strong, healthy relationships. If you can begin to implement each of these principles into your life with others, you will set your life and legacy up to make a dent in this world. I guarantee it.
Your Call To Action…
Download my FREE Book DON’T SUCK and get started on your journey of building healthy relationships today! GET IT NOW.
Ben Weaver is a Youth Pastor, Author, and Writer in St. Louis, MO. He is passionate about helping single guys gain the confidence they need so they can build strong relationships and make a dent in this world. He is the author of Don’t Suck, an avid snowboarder and travel junkie. You can find all his work at benweaver.org
I resonate, Ben and Nicole! This is a great article and message we all need to hear. I’m continuing to experience my closest relationships as mirrors to my soul. Keep up the great work you’re doing – nurturing us body and soul and relationships!
Hello, Judy! Thanks for your time to read and comment. Glad this was helpful. Isn’t Ben great? He has such a great message and a heart to serve. Glad he chose to share it with us.
Judy, Thank you so much for the encouragement! Glad that you found it helpful for your relationships!
Wow. This is great. I also woke up a few years ago and realized that I’d been working so hard on personal accomplishments at the expense of some great relationships. I’m still not very good at it, so this is great, timely advice!
Hello Shayne! Glad you are here. Ben has fantastic advice, and I think everyone needs relationship help. We need reminders of what we’re doing right and how we can improve.
Shayne,
Thanks for your comment! I can TOTALLY relate (as you read…ha!) Reach out to myself or Nicole if we can ever help. Glad you’re here!
How about if I cleaned up my life of relationships in which I am the giver, without reciprocity?
Hi Meg! That’s a tough process and a painful one, but sometimes necessary. Can’t wait to hear what Ben says about it.
Meg, That’s a great question. I know that is a concern a lot of people have with regard to relationships: What if I give and they don’t give back?
While I can’t speak to your individual situation, I can tell you this is where setting proper boundaries in the relationship are very important. A boundary is simply where I end and another person begins.
For instance, if I have someone in my life where I am giving like crazy, and they aren’t giving in return over time I am more than likely to set up some boundaries about how to approach that relationship moving forward. It sounds selfish at times, but it is important you are communicating your needs in a relationship as it develops. The more you pull those conversations out in the open the healthier you can both understand one another and better serve (give) to each other in the future.
After a while, if that person refuses to give, it may be time to cut them loose or set firmer boundaries.
I hope that helps! Again…great question.
Meg, a great resource for boundaries is the Book, Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Fantastic read and very practical!
Great post thank you
Hillary,
Absolutely. I’m glad I could help.
It’s nice to see a guy’s point of view on relationships, for a change. Great blog, thanks for sharing!
Renee,
Thank you so much for reading and for the kind words. I’m glad I can do it!
Ben
Ben, this is great advice and you make your point well.
I love how you said in your first point: “your past is alive”. It’s so true.
I understand the struggle with vulnerability. I used to be a “hider” but I’ve come a long way. Now I even write about it.
Thank you for your words.
Danielle,
Thank you so much for your warm and kind words. I’ve learned a lot about my “alive” past over the last few years and still struggle with it from time to time. I love what you are doing with your blog and book…keep up the great work. Glad we get to do this together!
Ben
Relationships ARE everything. In love, in work, in friendship. Love the point you made under #3. Great stuff!
Kris,
You are right! Thanks for commenting and enjoying the read. Take Care!
Great insights, Ben! Question about #5, please: What role do “boundaries” play in this?
Mike,
SUCH a great question. If you scroll up (up I think…yes, up 🙂 then you can read some of my thoughts another reader asked. But the short version is a resounding YES. Part of the reason guys suck at relationships is that we are terrible with boundaries. In regards to boundaries in being vulnerable, I think there is a tension we have to live in. Even in being or becoming vulnerable with someone we have to learn to set healthy boundaries in what we share. It’s not always easy…and you’re likely to fail at it before you succeed, but the important piece is that we take steps towards that direction and learn to share our lives, hurts and struggles with others.
Hope this finds you well in lovely CO!
Awesome, sir! 🙂
Being in a relationship with a taker, while you are a giver, is exhausting. It leaves you empty, while they don’t even realize it.
Bronke, You are so right. It can suck the life right out of you. Boundaries are very important when it comes to relationships. Be sure to check out some of my thoughts on boundaries in a few comments above. Thanks for reading!